Scenario 1.
Melika is walking home with her two-year-old, Michel, in a stroller, and her four-year-old, Talya. Talya runs ahead and starts crossing a busy street. Melika calls out, but Talya ignores her. Melika is terrified!
Action 1. Melika runs, pushing the stroller ahead of her. Catching up with Talya, she grabs her by the wrist, yanks her onto the sidewalk and smacks her on the bum. Melika raises her voice and says clearly and forcefully, "Don’t you ever do that again!" Thoughts on punishment.
- The child was removed from danger.
- The problem with the child’s behaviour was stated clearly.
- The other child has seen their reaction to a dangerous situation.
- Grabbing their arm could physically hurt them.
- Hurting and hitting children makes for more hurting and hitting. Children learn to do this as a response to problems they face.
- Children who are shamed and hurt by the adults who care for them become fearful. A positive relationship is less likely.
- Yelling and hitting distracts children from learning something positive. They think about their hurt and shame and ways to avoid them.
- Yelling and hitting blocks learning. Obeying orders is a short-term solution.
- The adult used their greater strength to move the child (though without permission).
- The adult has gotten the child to obey and do what they want them to.
- The adult communicates that the child’s feelings are unimportant.
Action 2. Melika runs with the stroller and scoops Talya up, bringing her safely onto the sidewalk. Melika crouches down to speak with Talya and says, "I’m sorry I had to pick you up without asking. Why do you think I did that?" Learning moment: "The reason I had to do that was because you were in a dangerous situation. I love you so much and I want to make sure you are safe all the time."
- The child was removed from danger.
- The bonds between the adult and children grow stronger.
- The problem with the child’s behaviour was stated clearly.
- The other child has seen their reaction to a dangerous situation.
- The adult understands that the child is acting their age and works with this.
- The adult used their greater strength to move the child (though without permission).
- The adult stayed aware that the child might feel embarrassed, upset and less open to their influence.
- The adult is taking their child’s feelings serious and have apologized.
- The adult has made the most of learning possibilities in this situation and the child is more likely to trust them and be open to their influence.
- The adult has helped the child become better at problem-solving. There is much more learning.
Scenario 2.
Sandy’s two-year-old, Marc, keeps taking shovels and trucks from other kids at the park. One of the children starts to cry. There are lots of children playing in the sandbox and many parents and babysitters are around watching.
Action 1. Sandy marches over to Marc and forcefully takes the shovel away from him, saying, "How does that feel?" Sandy hits Marc on the bum with the shovel.
- Hurting and hitting children makes for more hurting and hitting. Children learn to do this as a response to problems they face.
- Children who are shamed and hurt by the adults who care for them become fearful. A positive relationship is less likely.
- Yelling and hitting distracts children from learning something positive. They think about their hurt and shame and ways to avoid them.
- Yelling and hitting blocks learning. Obeying orders is a short-term solution.
- The adult has gotten the child to obey and do what they want them to do.
- The adult communicates that the child’s feelings are unimportant.
Action 2. Sandy marches over and loudly says, "Look what you did, Marc! You’re being bad. Because of you, we have to go home now."
- Children who are shamed and hurt by the adults who care for them become fearful. A positive relationship is less likely.
- Yelling and hitting distracts children from learning something positive. They think about their hurt and shame and ways to avoid them.
- Yelling and hitting blocks learning. Obeying orders is a short-term solution.
- The adult used their greater strength to move their child (though without permission).
- The adult has gotten the child to obey and do what they want them to do.
- The child does not get to share their worries and concerns.
- The adult communicates that the child’s feelings are unimportant.
Action 3. Sandy takes the truck away from Marc and hands it back to the child whose truck it is. Sandy say nicely, "That doesn’t belong to you, Marc. Now say you're sorry." Thoughts on making kids say sorry.
- The problem with the child’s behaviour was stated clearly.
- The adult understands that the child is acting their age. The adult works with this.
- Obeying orders is a short-term solution.
- The adult used their greater power to force the child to say sorry.
- The child gets to keep playing and learn too.
- The adult has gotten the child to obey and do what they want them to do.
- The child does not get to share their worries and concerns.
- The adult communicates that the child’s feelings are unimportant.
Action 4. Sandy sits with Marc and talks to him about sharing, playing and taking turns. Sandy stays there with the child and plays with Marc, encouraging the sharing of the trucks. Thoughts on being present not punitive.
- The bonds between the adult and children grow stronger.
- The problem with the child’s behaviour was stated clearly.
- The adult understands that the child is acting their age. The adult works with this.
- The adult stayed aware that the child might feel embarrassed, upset and less open to their influence.
- The adult is taking their child’s feelings seriously. They have said they are sorry to the child.
- The adult has made the most of learning possibilities in this situation and the child is more likely to trust them and be open to their influence.
- The child gets to keep playing and learn too.
- The adult has helped the child become better at problem-solving. There is much more learning.
Scenario 3.
Hélène goes shopping after work for some groceries and her four-year-old, Christine, points to a water gun and insists they buy it. Hélène says no. Christine starts having a tantrum, screaming and yelling that she wants the toy. Everyone is staring at them. Thoughts on tantrums.
Action 1. Hélène tells Christine to be quiet. Christine continues and it gets even worse. Hélène says, "If you don’t stop that, we’ll give all your toys away!"
- Children who are shamed and hurt by the adults who care for them become fearful. A positive relationship is less likely.
- Yelling and hitting distracts children from learning something positive. They think about their hurt and shame and ways to avoid them.
- Yelling and hitting blocks learning. Obeying orders is a short-term solution.
- The adult used their greater strength to threaten.
- The adult has gotten the child to obey and do what they want them to do.
- The child does not get to share their worries and concerns.
- The adult communicates that the child’s feelings are unimportant.
Action 2. Hélène whispers to Christine, "You’re embarrassing us. Stop it and I’ll buy you a chocolate bar on the way out."
- Children who are shamed and hurt by the adults who care for them become fearful. A positive relationship is less likely.
- The adult is focused on their own needs.
- The adult has gotten the child to obey and do what they want them to do.
- The child does not get to share their worries and concerns.
- The adult communicates that the child’s feelings are unimportant.
Action 3. Hélène gently leans in and lets Christine know that she understands her frustration. She tells her that she can choose a treat to eat after supper for dessert. Thoughts on chances to change.
- The bonds between the adult and children grow stronger.
- The problem with the child’s behaviour was stated clearly.
- The adult understands that the child is acting their age. The adult works with this.
- The adult stayed aware that the child might feel embarrassed and upset and less open to their influence.
- The adult is taking their child’s feelings seriously. They have said they are sorry to the child.
- The adult has made the most of learning possibilities in this situation and the child is more likely to trust them and be open to their influence.
- The child gets to keep playing and learn too.
- The adult has helped the child become better at problem-solving. There is much more learning.